


compass rose

by Snowheart1



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Marco Joins Military Police, Angst, Angst and Feels, Boys In Love, Drabble, I Love You, I Wrote This In Like Thirty Minutes, Left On Bad Terms, Letters, Love Confessions, Love Letters, M/M, Non-Graphic Smut, Queer Character, Queer Themes, and jean aches for the feeling of his freckled bf, but marco did join the military police, but they both harbor guilt over it, he's secretly a romantic, jean chose the scouts, jean n marco are my ultimate OTP, marco didn't die, soft jean, the smut is briefly implied, they haven't seen one another in five years, they mutually broke up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-10
Updated: 2018-08-10
Packaged: 2019-06-25 08:06:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15636639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Snowheart1/pseuds/Snowheart1
Summary: jean hasn't seen his ex-boyfriend in half a decade but his heart aches with deeper longing every day. when the unspoken thoughts and confessions gather up, he decides to write a letter to his old lover.





	compass rose

**Author's Note:**

> i was supposed to write a letter to my brother but this happened instead. 
> 
> read the tags because some are relevant to the story.

dear marco, 

 

it’s been five years since i’ve seen your face. since i’ve heard your velvety smooth voice and angelic laugh. since i’ve touched your skin and felt the sheer other-worldly softness on my fingertips. and i know we haven’t made amends and i know the paths of our lives have separated drastically. but with every step in the opposite direction, my feet ache and my legs burst with flames of protest. i miss you. i miss the taste of your tongue on my lips and the weight of your body across mine as we slept the summer nights away. i miss the smell of cheap soap after you showered, because somehow it was better on you than any other cadet i've ever met. the smell of our sweat-soaked skin as we fumbled to finish before anyone could notice our absence and seek us out. the smell of chestnut and pine cones and nutmeg that wrapped around you like a desperate fucking cloud. that’s the scent of home. 

 

it’s been five years since i’ve seen your freckles. we used to lay under lantern lights in the barracks and murmur mindless praises as i brushed and counted every freckle on your face. you’d always laugh in my ear as we embraced, saying how my standoffish personality was a cover up for my honeysuckle heart. what the hell happened to us?

 

i’ve always wondered, how did we end up together? why did you want me? we have always been complete opposites, yet we gravitate to one another like we’re the fucking earth and sun. at least, that’s how it was for me. did you feel the same way? feel the same push and pull? you have and always will be my sun.

 

the day we separated was the day i became an empty shell. i know that’s cliche in some way, and i know you told me to keep fighting. to never give up. to live. i remember the dust in our eyes and the tears on our cheeks. you apologizing for being weak, for choosing  the military police over me, for not being able to handle the chaotic life of misery and burden that came with being a scout. 

 

there’s a few things you must hear, things that i’ve harbored inside the chambers of my mind. they’ve gathered piles of dust through the years and fade with each passing day, but i promised myself i’d tell you. this is ultimately the purpose of this letter.

 

i need you to know that it’s okay. there has never been a point where i will blame you or resent you for choosing guaranteed safety. you trained to be a soldier for the very purpose of joining the police, and i never expected you to change your life plan because of a simple, hot-headed boy such as me.

 

i need you to know that every morning my first thought is the coldness wrapping my body when i could be wrapped by you. that every afternoon i spend fighting i spend heavy, each limb sinking like stone through the air as i fly and fly and fly through titans. that even though i’ve experienced the terrifying grip of a monster’s hand around my body i do not flinch when i weave between their flesh and cut them down, for my only purpose is to kill, kill, kill,  _ kill _ so you can stay safe another day. for five years i’ve been surrounded by endless death and anguish, pain so incredibly fierce in every person i pass that i can feel their grief pulse along with mine. and i will live through all this grief endlessly if it means another second that it spares you. and every night i hope for you health and happiness before i drift into restless sleep, dreams of you plaguing every crevice of my mind.

 

i need you to know that our last conversation has churned through my veins every minute, every hour, every day, every week. there are so many things left unsaid, so many arguments unreaped and unconfronted between us. i regret every harsh word i spewed in times of stress and every single fucking day i went without holding your hand and kissing your bruises and scrapes away. but i’ve sorted through every syllable i could’ve changed, could’ve said, and found the ones left unspoken that haunt me most of all. for all the warmth and purpose you’ve infused into me, i never gave you a single ounce back.

 

i need you to know i love you. not  _ loved _ , as in our moments spent breathing the same air and feeling the same skin are past memories that i’ve moved on from.  _ love, _ as in you are my entire goddamn world and i wouldn’t dare spend even a single millisecond telling myself otherwise. 

 

i need you to know that you don’t have to let the guilt fester up, because my heart will forever be yours and forever spare blame. i will never let go of your light, not even on my very last day.

 

jean

**Author's Note:**

> hope y'all enjoyed this :). it's called compass rose because marco is and always will be jean's direction. 
> 
> when i finished proof reading this for the first time i paused and went, "well, that's cute but it's kinda gay."


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